srijeda, 20.09.2006.
Inspiracije
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One day I will be thin enough. Just the bones, no disfiguring flesh. Just the pure, clean shape of me, bones. That is what we all are, what we're made up of and everything else is just storage, deposit, waste. Strip it away, use it up. You will be tempted quite frequently, and you will have to choose whether you shall enjoy the twenty minutes or so that you will be consuming empty calories, whether you will cordially despise yourself for two or three days for lack of willpower. Nothing. Nothing is wrong, and asking is against the rules. Crying is against the rules. You're strong; don't let them break you. They're trying to destroy you. Quod me nutrit, me destruit. Why can't they realize my strength, how much it's taken to make so little of myself? It's simple: you decide once and for all that you aren't going to eat, and there is no further decision to make. In the body, as in sculpture, perfection is not attained when there is nothing left to add, but nothing left to take away. They always say they're concerned about me, about my health, when all they want to do is control me. They want to pin me down and force-feed me with lies, with what they call love. Like prisoners everywhere, all I have left is the power to refuse. I do eat normally; I eat only what is necessary for survival. I can't help it that we live in a piggish society where gluttony is the norm, and everyone else is constantly stuffing themselves. When I wake, I'm empty, light, light-headed. I like to stay this way, free and pure, light on my feet, traveling light. For me, food's only interest lies in how little I need, how strong I am, how well I can resist, each time achieving another small victory of the will. Like a plant, surely the body can be trained to exist on nothing, to take it's nourishment from the air. When you coast without eating for a significant period of time, and you are still alive, you begin to scoff at those fools who believe they must eat to live. It is blatantly obvious to you that this is not true.Food hinders your progress. We turn skeletons into goddesses, and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need. How many pounds till I am happy, how many pounds till I get thin? Three more pounds till I am skinny, three more pounds and I win! You've made a decision: you will NOT stop. The pain is necessary, especially the pain of hunger. It reassures you that you are strong, can withstand anything. You can learn to love anything, I think, if you need to badly enough. I trained myself to enjoy feeling hungry. If my stomach contracts, or I wake up feeling nauseated, or I'm light-headed or have a hunger headache, or better yet, all of the above, it means I'm getting thinner, so it feels good. I feel strong, on top of myself, in control. I want to be so thin, light, airy, that ... when the light hits me, I don't leave a shadow behind. when I walk across the snow I will not leave so much as one footprint to mar its virgin purity. I can dance between the raindrops in a downpour. |
YEEEEEEEEEEEEES
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Jooj djevojke moje, tako sam sretna! Jutros sam stala na vagu i imala sam 51.8kg! Ne mogu jos verovati,to me je sad jos vise podstaklo da ne jedem!!! Sto se tice mog jelovnika,jedem uglavnom jabuke,integralne grisine,jogurte... Dnevno unesem od 300 do 500 kalorija. Puno setam,pijem dve litre vode i pijem koka kolu light!!! Sve mi je lakse i lakse drzati dijetu...vec sam se navikla. Moj dan se svodi ovako: probudim se ujutru popijem pola litre vode i pojedem tost i jogurt. Posle odem u skolu,tamo nista ne jedem samo kupujem vodu...Vratim se uvece iz skole i jedem neko voce,naravno voda pre toga,i onda ili vozim bajs ili sednem za kompjuter... Pre neki dan sam malo zgresila i pojela jednu cokoladicu,pao mi je secer,al sam se zaustavila na vreme,uhhh... To mi se vise nece desavati jer mi cokolada nije potrebna,potrebno mi je da budem MRSAVA i znam da cu uskoro dostici svoj cilj od 44kg... Novembra putujem u Egipat i odlucila sam da tamo moram otici mrsava,ne zelim se brukati svojim kilama... Djevojke i vama zelim puno srece NE DAJTE SE!!! Volim vas puno |
nedjelja, 17.09.2006.
Sve je bilo ok,ali...
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Evo i ja da vam se malo javim... Islo mi je dobro,al moglo je bolje... Prvi dan sam gladovala sve do uvece, i onda sam jela PUNO VOCA... Jebiga,morala sam nesto... Sutradan sam bila na vocnim jogurtima,grozdje,poneka jabuka... A sinoc... je sve bilo ok,dok me nije zvao bivsi decko,i skroz me poremetio... Pomirili smo se,pa smo se svadjali,on me je udarao,maltretirao... On ima drugu curu, a zeli i mene i nju.Ja sam JAKO zaljubljena u njega,nazalost a znam kakav je kreten i ne razumem kako mogu,ali sta cu volim ga! I onda sam se iznervirala... A ta njegova cura je bivsa MIA :). I onda sam navalila na klopu... Jela sam svasta... Tako mi je doslo,u glavi mi se motao samo on i nisam razmisljala o mojoj Ani (joj oprosti lutko vise te necu izneverit). Mrzelo me povracat... I sad sam pala u teski bedak,joooj sta mi je to trebalo... A lepo mi je islo! Sutra cu pokusat nastaviti,mada idem na rodjendan,pa mi tesko gledat kako svi jedu a ja ne smem... A tesko mi je i u skoli,svi stalno nesto grickaju za odmore, a ja pijem vodu... Nekako sam sva opterecena... U glavi mi se vrte razne misli... Naravno najvaznija misao je SMRSATI!!! Ne zeli m se vagati jos neko vrijeme... Vise volim sama primetit da sam smrsavila i onda se tako lepo iznenadim kad stanem na vagu... Jos to da docekam... |
četvrtak, 14.09.2006.
Od danas pocinjem ostvarivanje svojih snova
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E pa drage moje ljepotice,dosta je bilo jela...Vise od godinu dana se borim sa hranom,ana i mia su mi dosta pomagale,ali ponekad!I sad sam zaista rijesila prestat jesti! Ne zelim ponovo prozivljavati agoniju od prosle godine...Ispricat cu vam drugom prilikom... Jednostavno sam shvatila da SVE OVISI o meni.Imam cilj i krecem ka njemu. Zelim imati 44kg...Jos nikad nisam stigla do te kilaze al za sve postoji prvi put!Zelim biti PRAVA ANA!!! Mozda ce mi u pocetku biti tesko ali naviknut cu se ja,znam...A znam i da NECU ODUSTAT! Jer ak odustanem pocecu se prezderavat...Tako je to kod mene oduvek bilo,nema zlatne sredine, SVE IL NISTA! Pruzite mi podrsku molim vas! Volim vas i pozdravljam sve moje anice!!! |
